Average Playtime: 1 hour

Behold the Kickmen

Add to
My games
Add to
Wishlist 1
Save to

Click to rate



BEHOLD THE KICKMEN started as a silly Twitter joke, and evolved like a beautiful flower into the year's least-exciting and mostly-incorrect Football Simulation. It's football, as seen through the eyes of someone with no understanding of, or interest in, the Laws of Football. Start at the bottom of the Big Boring British Football Spreadsheet system and grind your way up, gruelling match after gruelling match, to become the best at the football that anyone's ever seen, and win the World Cup for your mantelpiece. FEATURES: Kicking, Passing, Tackling, Squad Management and Doing Goals over and over. There's even a full Story mode, crammed with overblown melodrama and inane decisions to be made. TWO WAYS TO PLAY! Hate football? No problem! The entire game can be re-skinned at the flip of a switch into a Dystopian Future Bloodsport! PLEASE NOTE: Kickmen has NO ONLINE MULTIPLAYER and NO LOCAL MULTIPLAYER, it's Single Player ONLY. Please don't buy it thinking it's at all sociable, because it isn't. Why, you ask? Because I wanted to make a Single Player game, I didn't want to make a Multiplayer game.
Release date
Jul 20, 2017
Size Five Games
Size Five Games
Age rating
Not rated

System requirements for PC

  • OS: Windows 7 and up
  • Processor: 2.4Ghz
  • Memory: 4 GB RAM
  • Graphics: GeForce 8800 equivalent or higher
  • DirectX: Version 9.0c
  • Storage: 1 GB available space
  • Sound Card: Yes
  • Additional Notes: If playing on a Laptop, please make sure it has a dedicated gfx card; on-board cards will struggle.

System requirements for macOS

  • OS: 10.12
  • Memory: 4 GB RAM
  • Storage: 1 GB available space
  • Additional Notes: discreet GPU recommended
Edit the game info
Last Modified: Aug 28, 2019

Where to buy

Spirit of '65
Pair of Trainers
Seeing Red
Lovely Tackle
view all achievements
9 items

Behold the Kickmen reviews and comments

Translated by
Microsoft from Deutsch
Don't Buy this Game if you want more than a 30-Minute joke, because for so long the Behold The Kickmen Entertains really well. After that, however, that changes abruptly. The Controls, which previously seemed inaccurate but still accurate enough, prove to be an Obstacle against heavier Opponents and that you can't change the Players yourself only adds to more Frustration. The Computer fits the Ball around so quickly that the selected Player changes every half a Second and then you should still attach precise Grasses (with this Control!) to stop these Passes, which one would like to do, would the Player under mine Control does not be on the other Side of the Pitch. But at least "ingenious" AI is gracious in the next Moment, forgetting that it should shoot at my gate and instead shoot into my own Gate and slot me 3 Goals for which I don't get anything. Because Gates are not only important here to win, no, for Gates where we have loaded the Computer nicely before there is extra Coal that you need For you to even see land against the AI. But although it is such an important Part of the Game, the Developer forgets to explain what the Value of the Gates increases. This Unfairness Coupled with poor Control and little Explanation ensures that I unfortunately have to speak out against a Buy recommendation and rather want to warn against buying the Game. If you want to have more than 30 Minutes of Fun, you can invest your Money better.
Translated by
Microsoft from Deutsch
For the Price of the Game you can't really complain, I mean who expects something like Fifa or something like that is completely at the wrong address, because no one will offer you such a thing for a duptight €4. The Game is initially a lot of fun due to the Humour of the Developer And in itself it is also a solid Gameplay. However, the Game is by no means intended for a Playing Time of 30 + Hours, the "Story Cutscenes" become very repetitive at the Beginning when Unlocking the skills and the Games themselves give hardly any Tension as in Principle it is always the same. At normal Difficulty, the Game is by no means challenging and therefore only recommended at a higher Difficulty. One of the main Problems of the Game is that it recommends you play with Controllers, but navigating the Menus is completely impossible with a Controller. I would not recommend playing through this Game immediately, but rather briefly play in between because it does not offer any Motivation to play more games for a long Time. The Match length, Number Of teams per League and Difficulty are only available for Selection at the Start of a new Campaign and can no longer be changed, which is good on the One hand as the player is given the Freedom to decide, but on the other hand you could If the Difficulty or Match Length can be changed even during a Campaign, otherwise if you want to change something you have to start completely from scratch again. I haven't played through the Game yet and therefore can't say anything at the End of the Game but I would still rate it with 6/10 Points
read more